Alyssa

Today would have been Alyssa's 31st birthday. I can't imagine her being that old or the person she would have become. In my mind she is forever 17. She is forever taking her grandmothers convertable without permission and driving us around with too much makeup and time. She is forever laughing off heartbreak and breaking hearts. She was my absolute best friend but that doesn't even describe what we were to eachother. We were sisters, maybe not of blood, but of heart.

She set me loose. For so long I had been a tiny introverted mockery of what I am today. Because she let me have fun. She taught me how to laugh at myself, how to make mistakes, how to gracefully step away from a situation. She was wild. Crazy sometimes. She had emotions and wasn't afraid of them.

We made notebooks filled with cut out pictures of the decor of our future homes. We were going to get married to wonderful men, have beautiful children, and raise them next door to eachother so that our kids would be best friends too.

It was so childish and innocent and sometimes I curse the days and months and years that made us grow up and make the mistakes that we made.

I am still sad that she is dead. That she will never see my children and the life I have built. I will never meet her children, her husband, see her grow old. I am still angry sometimes that I am doing this without my one truest friend.

On this one night every year I let myself fall apart for what we lost. The innocence, the joy, the fun, the tears, the hugs, the yelling, the laughter. This one and only night I let myself remember and grieve. And then tomorrow, tomorrow, I will let her memory fly with the angels for another year, to visit me again, in other times, to remind me, occassionally, to hold on, love well, and enjoy the ride.

The Funny Thing

The funny thing about trying to reclaim your life is all of the little things that you HAVE to do. There are some parts of my life that I need to put behind me. I just have to let go of the mistakes and loves and hates. They just HAVE to go.

I HAVE to get my house organized. I read something once (and I am sure that several people have said it) that if your house isn't together the rest of your life won't be either. I finally ended up with Sunday's off so me and my kids will be going to church. That brought up a face from the past that HAS to go away.

There is a part of me that wants to keep living a somewhat reckless, devil may care, kind of life. But there is a bigger part that just wants to let go. Say goodbye. To that. To them. To what used to be.

And I've found that I can actually do that now. The tug I always seemed to feel is gone. It's a liberating feeling to be free. To say goodbye. See you later old me. It was nice knowing you. Glad you were there because I learned a lot from you...but it's time to say goodbye.

10 Commandments

A Funny post that I wrote on another site. Has nothing to do with my life now but I have to look at it sometimes and laugh :)

This is a really catty post. I am sure there will be more. There are certain boundaries you should NOT cross after dating someone that you also must work with. It's been a very bad couple of weeks. Hence, my 10 commandments :

1. Thou shall not call me by my nickname EVER again. (Sorry you're so used to it. I was used to you, you dumb jerkface, idiotic jerkoff)
2. Thou shall not rub my neck, squeeze my arm, or put your arm around my shoulder. (Yes, all the other guys do but guess what? I am not sleeping with them, nor do I intend to. They do it as a gesture of kindness, not because they want to make some kind of contact because they are dumb jerkoffs who don't know a good thing when they had it.)
3. Thou shall not make special trips to talk to me. (I really don't care about your life. You SUCK and that's all I need to know.)
4. Thou shall not talk to me like a friend. (I was your biggest champion and you lost that you hairless jerkoff)
5. Thou shall not stare at my ass or gaze longingly at my body. (It was yours once. Never again. Because, once again, you are an idiotic jerkoff.)
6. Thou shall not get pissed that you come second in line now. (Come on. Really. Did you expect special treatment after everything you have done?)
7. Thou shall treat me with respect and not single me out like we have ever known each other. (Because really, knowing I am a fool and everyone else knowing I am a fool are two really different things)
8. Thou shall refrain from repeating inside jokes in front of others...in fact never again...ever. (Self explanatory)
9. Thou shall understand that I reserve the right to be catty, bitchy, or nice whenever I feel like it and it means nothing. You will take this like a man because you are the one that screwed up. (LOL)
10. Thou shall quit sending me text messages, emails, phone calls or anything else that I don't ask for. (Unless you are CRAWLING on your hands and knees up my driveway with tears running down your face in shame, I'm not interested in anything you have to say.)

Reclaiming Life

I am making a consious effort to reclaim my life. To take back what others have taken without a care or what I have given that I shouldn't have.

I am going to take the time to take care of myself because that is the only way I can be a good mother to my children. I have to be a complete and happy person if I am going to teach them to be happy and full people. Even if it takes years for me to accomplish this I think it will be good for them to see that sometimes life sends you struggles that get you down and make you feel little but that you have to keep trying.

I will no longer freely give of myself to people who do not deserve it. I will let the strong, independent, caring, sensitive person that I was once come back. I will no longer be afraid of my feelings. Be afraid that crying makes me weak. Or that asking for help will make me less of a person.

I will leave the past in the past where it belongs. Take the lessons that I have learned and move on. I will live a life less common and take joy in what I AM doing...not regreting what I HAVE NOT done.

Changing

One day I woke up and realized that I was grown up. Literally, this was a one morning revelation. I believe it was a Tuesday. I am surprised because I had always thought that I WAS grown up. I have two children who depend on me. How could I NOT be a grown up? I work full time. Pay all the bills. Feed the kiddo's. So how was it that I wasn't grown up?

Since I have become an adult I have noticed things about other people in my life. They are not so grown up. Or maybe they are grown up just not in the way that I am.

I had always thought that my friends who had a partner were extremely lucky. And perhaps I was a little jealous. Not that I was jealous of the actual relationship. It just occurs sometimes that I would like a partner. Some one in the front lines with me fighting the same battle. But just sometimes. Because I have watched too many others think they have a partner for life only to discover that the person they thought they were with was only an illusion.

I have seen several of my friends (male and female) change from laughing, happy people to intensely morose and angry people. Their eyes used to sparkle with love and now they shine with unshed tears. Lines of laughter from around their mouths have turned in white lines of anger. I wonder, sometimes, why they stay where they are not happy. Or, at least, isn't there something that can be done to make them less miserable? The usual answers:

We've been together for more than a year and I don't want to have to start dating again.

I love him/her but they are just not the same person they were when I met them and I don't really like this new person.

If he/she would just stop doing this/that than we would be fine.

We fight all the time but he/she always says he/she loves me so they must be right...

It is just so sad to watch people not reaching their full potential because they are held back by another person...and by the way...I am not talking about married relationships...thought maybe I should clarify that. Marriage is a whole different can of worms that I don't feel qualified to open. I am not really qualified to open this one either...but...hmmm.

I can understand the statements about not wanting to be in the dating scene again. I fully understand that one. However, I am one of those odd people that only occasionally wants for someone in my life. Oh, sure, I miss the breathlessness of the first meeting, kiss, whatever. But, like it is with any single mom, there is always the interruption of reality. In the guise of children. Because they consume me I don't have time for a person who needs that much attention.

But I watch. And I think that it is sad, in a gut wrenching, heartbreaking kind of way to watch someone who at one time was confident be belittled until they believe whatever another person tells them. To watch a person who enjoyed life turn into one who cringes from it. Because, really, people shouldn't feel alone. They shouldn't be made to feel little and unimportant. They shouldn't have to deal with bad things alone and they shouldn't have to worry about the next bad thing that might happen.


But when I grew up I realized that I don't really want to be with someone because I feel like I NEED them for any reason. I want to be with someone who I WANT to be with.
And, when I mutter the phrase "I hope you get what you want" it has a whole new meaning, now that I am a grown up.

First Sunset

First Sunset...

“Come and see the sunset with us.” Mommy says quietly so we don’t wake up my baby sister.

“Ok. What’s sunset?” I ask. I had heard all about it for a long time but didn’t know what it meant. I always went to bed before mommy went to see it.

“You’ll see.” Mommy says with a big smile.

I caught her excitement. I was finally being able to be with the adults and see something special. Mommy held out her hand and I grab it with a grin. Mommy’s hands are soft and I rub it across my face. She just smiles down at me and tugs me to walk faster.

There are big people everywhere. They are sitting on tables and chairs and on the wall that keeps the beach out there and the patio up here. My gramma is there and grandpa too. They smile and make room for me. Gramma pats her lap and I know I can sit with her. But I want to stand up. All the way up by the wall. That’s where everyone is staring and I want to be closer.

So I let go of mommy’s hand. Gramma starts to call to me but mommy says I’m fine and don’t worry. I just want to see closer and mommy knows that. I don’t like to be far away from mommy so I just keep looking back at her. She stands and smiles. I think she is pretty with all that light from the sun on her. Mommy let me come out with no shoes on. The patio is still hot on my feet but not burning like early in the day. And the sand is tickling my feet. I giggle.

“Watch sweetie.” Mommy whispers. I didn’t notice that she had come right up behind me.

I look out at the bright sun. It is getting lower and lower. It’s getting closer to the ocean. The sky is turning bright pink and purple and that other color that I always forget. But, wait.

“Gramma!” I yell. “Gramma! The sun doesn’t have a lifesaver! It’s going to drown! Grampa you got to save the sun!” I hear some people laugh. Why is it funny that the sun is going to die?

The tingly feeling of excitement is making my tummy hurt now because I am scared for the sun. Mommy squeezes my hand and I look up at her.

“It’s just the sun going to bed. It goes that way every night and comes up on the other side of the ocean. You’ll see tomorrow. The sun will be fine.” She tells me. I sorta believe her. But sometimes she tells me things will be fine and they really aren’t so I am still nervous.

Mommy takes my hand again and we go back to our room. I feel like I have been gone a long time and I was very sleepy. Mommy lies next to me in bed and I know that the sun might not come back up but it’s okay because at least my mommy is holding me in the night time.

Inspiration Wednesday

I think that there are days that everyone feels a little like a doormat. It's hard to see a purpose in life when you feel like you are a failure in so many things. I think I may have posted this sometime or somewhere before...but it never fails to remind me that I am important to God's plan even if I don't quite understand where I fit into it yet.

When some of us feel that God doesn't love us or can't use us just remember: Noah was a drunk... Abraham was too old...Isaac was a daydreamer... Jacob was a liar... Leah was ugly... Joseph was abused...Moses had a stuttering problem...Gideon was afraid...Samson had long hair and was a womanizer...Rahab was a prostitute... Jeremiah and Timothy were too young...David had an affair and was a murderer... Elijah was suicidal... Isaiah preached naked...Jonah ran from God... Naomi was a widow... Job went bankrupt...John the Baptist ate bugs... Peter denied Christ... The Disciples fell asleep while praying... Martha worried about everything.... The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once... Zaccheus was too small... Paul was too religious... Timothy had an ulcer... and Lazarus was DEAD! We have no excuses when we think God doesn't love us and can't use us to our full potential...

If You Really Love Me....

Those five words have got to be the most hurtful and confusing words ever spoken. Followed closely by : " I will love you forever if you..." Especially in a relationship those phrases should never enter a single conversation. I think that people sometimes confuse desires or wants with need0. And the idea of love is often confused with lust.

I hear of women telling men...if you really love me you will marry me...if you really love me you will move in...if you really love me you will stop talking to your mother twice a week...if you really love me you will quit your job because I know you think so and so is attractive.

Men say...if you really love me you would have sex with me daily...if you really love me you would do ANYTHING I ask...if you really love me you will spend the holidays with my family, not yours...if you really love me you wouldn't ever smile at any other male.

Some of these come from insecurities. Some of them to defend against past hurts. Some of them are just plain manipulative.

The idea of love is that it is freely given and freely taken. There should be no conditions. There should be no score keeping or getting even.

People are too often blinded by what material things a person could give that the fail to consider the emotional aspects that could be missing. Or they see a flashy life style and think that they can live with out love so long as they have the notoriety of being seen. And then suddenly those five little words that can be thrwon around jokingly or be meant as the most serious of dares.

No one seems to realize that having a relationship means two people that wan to go in the same direction. If one of them veers off the path that the other thought they wanted to go than there can be no bribe or dare that should bring them back. Why do women/men want someone with them that has cheated, lied, or become lazy while in the relationship? Are we really all so desperate to just be with someone that we will settle for anyone? Even someone that we basically manipulated into being with us with those five little words? " If you really love me..."