Changing

One day I woke up and realized that I was grown up. Literally, this was a one morning revelation. I believe it was a Tuesday. I am surprised because I had always thought that I WAS grown up. I have two children who depend on me. How could I NOT be a grown up? I work full time. Pay all the bills. Feed the kiddo's. So how was it that I wasn't grown up?

Since I have become an adult I have noticed things about other people in my life. They are not so grown up. Or maybe they are grown up just not in the way that I am.

I had always thought that my friends who had a partner were extremely lucky. And perhaps I was a little jealous. Not that I was jealous of the actual relationship. It just occurs sometimes that I would like a partner. Some one in the front lines with me fighting the same battle. But just sometimes. Because I have watched too many others think they have a partner for life only to discover that the person they thought they were with was only an illusion.

I have seen several of my friends (male and female) change from laughing, happy people to intensely morose and angry people. Their eyes used to sparkle with love and now they shine with unshed tears. Lines of laughter from around their mouths have turned in white lines of anger. I wonder, sometimes, why they stay where they are not happy. Or, at least, isn't there something that can be done to make them less miserable? The usual answers:

We've been together for more than a year and I don't want to have to start dating again.

I love him/her but they are just not the same person they were when I met them and I don't really like this new person.

If he/she would just stop doing this/that than we would be fine.

We fight all the time but he/she always says he/she loves me so they must be right...

It is just so sad to watch people not reaching their full potential because they are held back by another person...and by the way...I am not talking about married relationships...thought maybe I should clarify that. Marriage is a whole different can of worms that I don't feel qualified to open. I am not really qualified to open this one either...but...hmmm.

I can understand the statements about not wanting to be in the dating scene again. I fully understand that one. However, I am one of those odd people that only occasionally wants for someone in my life. Oh, sure, I miss the breathlessness of the first meeting, kiss, whatever. But, like it is with any single mom, there is always the interruption of reality. In the guise of children. Because they consume me I don't have time for a person who needs that much attention.

But I watch. And I think that it is sad, in a gut wrenching, heartbreaking kind of way to watch someone who at one time was confident be belittled until they believe whatever another person tells them. To watch a person who enjoyed life turn into one who cringes from it. Because, really, people shouldn't feel alone. They shouldn't be made to feel little and unimportant. They shouldn't have to deal with bad things alone and they shouldn't have to worry about the next bad thing that might happen.


But when I grew up I realized that I don't really want to be with someone because I feel like I NEED them for any reason. I want to be with someone who I WANT to be with.
And, when I mutter the phrase "I hope you get what you want" it has a whole new meaning, now that I am a grown up.