The funny thing about trying to reclaim your life is all of the little things that you HAVE to do. There are some parts of my life that I need to put behind me. I just have to let go of the mistakes and loves and hates. They just HAVE to go.
I HAVE to get my house organized. I read something once (and I am sure that several people have said it) that if your house isn't together the rest of your life won't be either. I finally ended up with Sunday's off so me and my kids will be going to church. That brought up a face from the past that HAS to go away.
There is a part of me that wants to keep living a somewhat reckless, devil may care, kind of life. But there is a bigger part that just wants to let go. Say goodbye. To that. To them. To what used to be.
And I've found that I can actually do that now. The tug I always seemed to feel is gone. It's a liberating feeling to be free. To say goodbye. See you later old me. It was nice knowing you. Glad you were there because I learned a lot from you...but it's time to say goodbye.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
10 Commandments
A Funny post that I wrote on another site. Has nothing to do with my life now but I have to look at it sometimes and laugh :)
This is a really catty post. I am sure there will be more. There are certain boundaries you should NOT cross after dating someone that you also must work with. It's been a very bad couple of weeks. Hence, my 10 commandments :
1. Thou shall not call me by my nickname EVER again. (Sorry you're so used to it. I was used to you, you dumb jerkface, idiotic jerkoff)
2. Thou shall not rub my neck, squeeze my arm, or put your arm around my shoulder. (Yes, all the other guys do but guess what? I am not sleeping with them, nor do I intend to. They do it as a gesture of kindness, not because they want to make some kind of contact because they are dumb jerkoffs who don't know a good thing when they had it.)
3. Thou shall not make special trips to talk to me. (I really don't care about your life. You SUCK and that's all I need to know.)
4. Thou shall not talk to me like a friend. (I was your biggest champion and you lost that you hairless jerkoff)
5. Thou shall not stare at my ass or gaze longingly at my body. (It was yours once. Never again. Because, once again, you are an idiotic jerkoff.)
6. Thou shall not get pissed that you come second in line now. (Come on. Really. Did you expect special treatment after everything you have done?)
7. Thou shall treat me with respect and not single me out like we have ever known each other. (Because really, knowing I am a fool and everyone else knowing I am a fool are two really different things)
8. Thou shall refrain from repeating inside jokes in front of others...in fact never again...ever. (Self explanatory)
9. Thou shall understand that I reserve the right to be catty, bitchy, or nice whenever I feel like it and it means nothing. You will take this like a man because you are the one that screwed up. (LOL)
10. Thou shall quit sending me text messages, emails, phone calls or anything else that I don't ask for. (Unless you are CRAWLING on your hands and knees up my driveway with tears running down your face in shame, I'm not interested in anything you have to say.)
This is a really catty post. I am sure there will be more. There are certain boundaries you should NOT cross after dating someone that you also must work with. It's been a very bad couple of weeks. Hence, my 10 commandments :
1. Thou shall not call me by my nickname EVER again. (Sorry you're so used to it. I was used to you, you dumb jerkface, idiotic jerkoff)
2. Thou shall not rub my neck, squeeze my arm, or put your arm around my shoulder. (Yes, all the other guys do but guess what? I am not sleeping with them, nor do I intend to. They do it as a gesture of kindness, not because they want to make some kind of contact because they are dumb jerkoffs who don't know a good thing when they had it.)
3. Thou shall not make special trips to talk to me. (I really don't care about your life. You SUCK and that's all I need to know.)
4. Thou shall not talk to me like a friend. (I was your biggest champion and you lost that you hairless jerkoff)
5. Thou shall not stare at my ass or gaze longingly at my body. (It was yours once. Never again. Because, once again, you are an idiotic jerkoff.)
6. Thou shall not get pissed that you come second in line now. (Come on. Really. Did you expect special treatment after everything you have done?)
7. Thou shall treat me with respect and not single me out like we have ever known each other. (Because really, knowing I am a fool and everyone else knowing I am a fool are two really different things)
8. Thou shall refrain from repeating inside jokes in front of others...in fact never again...ever. (Self explanatory)
9. Thou shall understand that I reserve the right to be catty, bitchy, or nice whenever I feel like it and it means nothing. You will take this like a man because you are the one that screwed up. (LOL)
10. Thou shall quit sending me text messages, emails, phone calls or anything else that I don't ask for. (Unless you are CRAWLING on your hands and knees up my driveway with tears running down your face in shame, I'm not interested in anything you have to say.)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Reclaiming Life
I am making a consious effort to reclaim my life. To take back what others have taken without a care or what I have given that I shouldn't have.
I am going to take the time to take care of myself because that is the only way I can be a good mother to my children. I have to be a complete and happy person if I am going to teach them to be happy and full people. Even if it takes years for me to accomplish this I think it will be good for them to see that sometimes life sends you struggles that get you down and make you feel little but that you have to keep trying.
I will no longer freely give of myself to people who do not deserve it. I will let the strong, independent, caring, sensitive person that I was once come back. I will no longer be afraid of my feelings. Be afraid that crying makes me weak. Or that asking for help will make me less of a person.
I will leave the past in the past where it belongs. Take the lessons that I have learned and move on. I will live a life less common and take joy in what I AM doing...not regreting what I HAVE NOT done.
I am going to take the time to take care of myself because that is the only way I can be a good mother to my children. I have to be a complete and happy person if I am going to teach them to be happy and full people. Even if it takes years for me to accomplish this I think it will be good for them to see that sometimes life sends you struggles that get you down and make you feel little but that you have to keep trying.
I will no longer freely give of myself to people who do not deserve it. I will let the strong, independent, caring, sensitive person that I was once come back. I will no longer be afraid of my feelings. Be afraid that crying makes me weak. Or that asking for help will make me less of a person.
I will leave the past in the past where it belongs. Take the lessons that I have learned and move on. I will live a life less common and take joy in what I AM doing...not regreting what I HAVE NOT done.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Changing
One day I woke up and realized that I was grown up. Literally, this was a one morning revelation. I believe it was a Tuesday. I am surprised because I had always thought that I WAS grown up. I have two children who depend on me. How could I NOT be a grown up? I work full time. Pay all the bills. Feed the kiddo's. So how was it that I wasn't grown up?
Since I have become an adult I have noticed things about other people in my life. They are not so grown up. Or maybe they are grown up just not in the way that I am.
I had always thought that my friends who had a partner were extremely lucky. And perhaps I was a little jealous. Not that I was jealous of the actual relationship. It just occurs sometimes that I would like a partner. Some one in the front lines with me fighting the same battle. But just sometimes. Because I have watched too many others think they have a partner for life only to discover that the person they thought they were with was only an illusion.
I have seen several of my friends (male and female) change from laughing, happy people to intensely morose and angry people. Their eyes used to sparkle with love and now they shine with unshed tears. Lines of laughter from around their mouths have turned in white lines of anger. I wonder, sometimes, why they stay where they are not happy. Or, at least, isn't there something that can be done to make them less miserable? The usual answers:
We've been together for more than a year and I don't want to have to start dating again.
I love him/her but they are just not the same person they were when I met them and I don't really like this new person.
If he/she would just stop doing this/that than we would be fine.
We fight all the time but he/she always says he/she loves me so they must be right...
It is just so sad to watch people not reaching their full potential because they are held back by another person...and by the way...I am not talking about married relationships...thought maybe I should clarify that. Marriage is a whole different can of worms that I don't feel qualified to open. I am not really qualified to open this one either...but...hmmm.
I can understand the statements about not wanting to be in the dating scene again. I fully understand that one. However, I am one of those odd people that only occasionally wants for someone in my life. Oh, sure, I miss the breathlessness of the first meeting, kiss, whatever. But, like it is with any single mom, there is always the interruption of reality. In the guise of children. Because they consume me I don't have time for a person who needs that much attention.
But I watch. And I think that it is sad, in a gut wrenching, heartbreaking kind of way to watch someone who at one time was confident be belittled until they believe whatever another person tells them. To watch a person who enjoyed life turn into one who cringes from it. Because, really, people shouldn't feel alone. They shouldn't be made to feel little and unimportant. They shouldn't have to deal with bad things alone and they shouldn't have to worry about the next bad thing that might happen.
But when I grew up I realized that I don't really want to be with someone because I feel like I NEED them for any reason. I want to be with someone who I WANT to be with.
And, when I mutter the phrase "I hope you get what you want" it has a whole new meaning, now that I am a grown up.
Since I have become an adult I have noticed things about other people in my life. They are not so grown up. Or maybe they are grown up just not in the way that I am.
I had always thought that my friends who had a partner were extremely lucky. And perhaps I was a little jealous. Not that I was jealous of the actual relationship. It just occurs sometimes that I would like a partner. Some one in the front lines with me fighting the same battle. But just sometimes. Because I have watched too many others think they have a partner for life only to discover that the person they thought they were with was only an illusion.
I have seen several of my friends (male and female) change from laughing, happy people to intensely morose and angry people. Their eyes used to sparkle with love and now they shine with unshed tears. Lines of laughter from around their mouths have turned in white lines of anger. I wonder, sometimes, why they stay where they are not happy. Or, at least, isn't there something that can be done to make them less miserable? The usual answers:
We've been together for more than a year and I don't want to have to start dating again.
I love him/her but they are just not the same person they were when I met them and I don't really like this new person.
If he/she would just stop doing this/that than we would be fine.
We fight all the time but he/she always says he/she loves me so they must be right...
It is just so sad to watch people not reaching their full potential because they are held back by another person...and by the way...I am not talking about married relationships...thought maybe I should clarify that. Marriage is a whole different can of worms that I don't feel qualified to open. I am not really qualified to open this one either...but...hmmm.
I can understand the statements about not wanting to be in the dating scene again. I fully understand that one. However, I am one of those odd people that only occasionally wants for someone in my life. Oh, sure, I miss the breathlessness of the first meeting, kiss, whatever. But, like it is with any single mom, there is always the interruption of reality. In the guise of children. Because they consume me I don't have time for a person who needs that much attention.
But I watch. And I think that it is sad, in a gut wrenching, heartbreaking kind of way to watch someone who at one time was confident be belittled until they believe whatever another person tells them. To watch a person who enjoyed life turn into one who cringes from it. Because, really, people shouldn't feel alone. They shouldn't be made to feel little and unimportant. They shouldn't have to deal with bad things alone and they shouldn't have to worry about the next bad thing that might happen.
But when I grew up I realized that I don't really want to be with someone because I feel like I NEED them for any reason. I want to be with someone who I WANT to be with.
And, when I mutter the phrase "I hope you get what you want" it has a whole new meaning, now that I am a grown up.
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